Sunday, April 30, 2006

If you're related to me and easily offended stop reading HERE.

nor·mal (nôr m l)adj. :

Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical.

Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies.

Occurring naturally and not because of disease, inoculation, or any experimental treatment. Used of immunity.

Of, relating to, or being a solution having one gram equivalent weight of solute per liter of solution.

Of, relating to, or being an aliphatic hydrocarbon having a straight and unbranched chain of carbon atoms.

Of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development.

What is normal? Functional? I always thought we were the only normal ones who lived on the street… My husband and I joke with our friends that we are the only normal people they know. But now I’m not so sure.

Weird things happen in my family. I’m talkin’ shit straight out of the Psycho page of the dictionary. I guess I have always been immune or thought myself better than the crazy people in my family. But a few weeks ago, I was in the Twilight Zone and came to the FULL realization that it just might be hereditary. I can’t get away from it. I am one of them.

Observation #1: One of my aunts passed away a couple of months ago. She asked to be cremated and spread out in the desert. Where is she now? In a wood box, within a cardboard box, sitting on another aunt’s credenza. How do I know this? Because when I stopped by the day before Easter alive aunt asked me if I wanted to see dead aunt… My husband, smart man that he is stayed in the car., but when I returned, I was hysterical, no, not crying, laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t explain to my husband that dead aunt was hangin’ with alive aunt. Then I started to worry, maybe I was like them.

Observation #2: My 80 year old grandmother called to say she was divorcing her 3rd(!) husband because of his drinking and gambling. Did I ask if she was doing OK? No., I asked if she was joking with me. Then I asked where she was going to live… she replied with alive aunt. Then, because I was now thinking she was crazy I had to ask if alive aunt knew this. After I got off the phone I was hysterical, no, not crying, laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn’t speak. Then I called my Mom to ask if she knew that her mother was getting a divorce. She laughed. See what I’m getting at? It’s hereditary. (Side note: the grandparents have since reconciled.)

Observation #3: I think all of my neighbors’ kids are weird. They freak me out. My mom has always thought her neighbors’ kids are crazy, too.

Observation #4: My cousin, alive aunt’s daughter, asked me if I wanted some of dead aunt’s ashes. I had to ask if she was serious. She said I could put some ashes in a locket so a little piece of dead aunt would always be with me. Then I said what if I get her ass? My cousin didn’t see the humor. I think she’s crazy! My aunt wanted to be spread out in the desert, she didn’t ask for each of us to take ashes and put them in lockets… but maybe I’m the crazy one because all I could think about was getting the piece I didn’t really want.

Observation #5: An aunt on the other side of the family horded mass amounts of household cleaners. After my grandfather passed away, my parents had to clean out his house. My aunt had been living with him for a few years. They found closets full of household cleaners. But the house was not clean, far from it. We were aghast at her craziness. My parents asked if I wanted some of the bottles of new cleaners, I took a lot of them and was giddy with excitement. That was 7 years ago. I still have some of those bottles. I have a housekeeper, she uses her own products. I’m hording household cleaners.

Observation #6: My grandma loves to hear bad news. She relishes it. Then she spreads the news like wildfire. It keeps her breathing. This is the same grandma who was divorcing her husband…. Remember what I did after she told me? I immediately called my mom to spread the news.

I live fairly far from my family and miss my parents everyday. But I REALLY had hoped the distance would sever the crazy strings. But now I know it won’t, the dysfunctionalness is in my blood. My children will be crazy, too. Luckily, I’m just normal enough to blame my husband’s genes…

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Who's right?

Apparently Angelina and Brad have played a pretty good joke on the paparazzi. That's right, she gave an interview yesterday and said she is barely 8 months pregnant. Looks like the paparazzi is a whole month early for the birth of the next “Jesus.” Nothing like making them work for their money.

But what is the truth? She looks ready to pop. Maybe twins? Oh and she also said they know the sex of the baby but aren't sharing. Interesting. What do you think?

Oh and if you care, the interview airs on 'Today' Thursday (7 a.m. ET/PT) and 'Dateline' Sunday (7 p.m. ET/PT). I won’t be watching because I don’t have TV…

Friday, April 21, 2006

I've been sooo busy

The past few days have been filled with stories. Wonderful, celebrity filled stories. Tom and Katie have had a daughter. I don't really care, but I love all the hoopla surrounding the big news. I'm addicted. I've been searching the internet for more information about them and of course, Brangelina's pending baby has me thrilled and excited.

What will the super-celebrity baby look like? Will it be a boy or a girl? Will the poor thing get stuck with a crazy name like all the other celebrity kids? Suri, Ryder, Apple, Coco, Moxie, Phinneaus, Hazel and Moses, look-out baby Pitt is on the horizon.

For all you mothers out there, can you imagine being hounded by the press as you near the end of your pregnancy. Having to hide from the world in the hopes of having some privacy? I'm sorry for Brad and Angelina... well just a little. I'm one of the suckers that wants pictures and stories, I'm one of those people that add to their frustration. I BUY the crap that pays for the paparazzi's photos.

Long live the celebrities, and bring on super-baby Jolie-Pitt!

This article from the NY Post is VERY telling....

Not Since Jesus

While humanity awaits the arrival of the BRANGELINA BABY, the paparazzi scheme and scramble for a shot at the biggest score of all time.

Sometime in the coming weeks, perhaps as soon as the first week of May, somewhere in the world—probably Paris, but possibly Los Angeles, or maybe even Addis Ababa—Angelina Jolie will bequeath unto the celebrity weeklies a gift so magnificent that, until recently, few imagined such a thing was possible. She will give birth to Brad Pitt’s child.

Not since Jesus has a baby been so eagerly anticipated. Actually, forget Jesus. Only three wise men turned up to greet him in the manger. The Brangelina baby—as the megawatt couple’s spawn is known, at least until its parents give it a proper name—has People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Star, and Life&Style (working, of course, on behalf of the millions and millions of readers they serve) awaiting the newborn’s arrival, all of them hoping and scheming and planning to voyage to the ends of the Earth, if that’s what it takes, to get a first—preferably the first—glimpse of the blessed child.

Why are people, and People, so desperate to see the Brangelina baby? The men and women who helm the celebrity weeklies have an easy answer. Their readers, they explain, view celebrities as their friends; and as they would be with any friends, they’re interested in their so-called life events. The big three of life events, the theory goes, are weddings, breakups, and babies—hence the celebrity weeklies’ laserlike focus on celebrity weddings, celebrity divorces, and celebrity babies.

But even for a life event, celebrity-weekly editors go on to explain, the Brangelina baby is particularly enticing. For one, there’s the simple matter of aesthetics. “The parents happen to be two of the most gorgeous people on the planet. How gorgeous is that baby going to be?” wonders Bonnie Fuller, the editorial director of American Media, whose stable of magazines includes Star. Dan Wakeford, an executive editor of In Touch, offers a tentative answer: “This could possibly be the most beautiful baby in the history of the world.” Even more than looks, there’s the backstory. “There’d be a lot of interest if it was Jennifer Aniston’s baby,” explains an editor at one celebrity weekly, “but with Brangelina, there’s that extra factor that the Hollywood golden couple was broken up so that this relationship, and this baby, could happen . . . I mean, this is the baby Jen wouldn’t give Brad, and the fact that it’s Angelina giving it to him—my feeble little mind can barely handle it!”

In that sense, the birth marks the end of a modern fairy tale, the sentimental made-for-TV-movie moment of the happy new family in their cocoon of bliss (and for added narrative pleasure, there’s poor Aniston off smoking and getting naked in a bad-looking movie with chubby Vince Vaughn). Whoever contrives to get the shot of the gorgeous Pitt-Jolie offspring will not only enjoy a lucrative windfall. They’ll give us the closure we all crave, while throwing open the door to the next serial fairy tale (the inevitable marital bumps, etc.) that will delight and/or disgust millions of us around the world—and sell a ton of magazines. But first, the photo, or what Debra Birnbaum, the deputy editor of Life&Style, calls “the Holy Grail of celebrity journalism.”