Sunday, April 30, 2006

If you're related to me and easily offended stop reading HERE.

nor·mal (nôr m l)adj. :

Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical.

Functioning or occurring in a natural way; lacking observable abnormalities or deficiencies.

Occurring naturally and not because of disease, inoculation, or any experimental treatment. Used of immunity.

Of, relating to, or being a solution having one gram equivalent weight of solute per liter of solution.

Of, relating to, or being an aliphatic hydrocarbon having a straight and unbranched chain of carbon atoms.

Of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development.

What is normal? Functional? I always thought we were the only normal ones who lived on the street… My husband and I joke with our friends that we are the only normal people they know. But now I’m not so sure.

Weird things happen in my family. I’m talkin’ shit straight out of the Psycho page of the dictionary. I guess I have always been immune or thought myself better than the crazy people in my family. But a few weeks ago, I was in the Twilight Zone and came to the FULL realization that it just might be hereditary. I can’t get away from it. I am one of them.

Observation #1: One of my aunts passed away a couple of months ago. She asked to be cremated and spread out in the desert. Where is she now? In a wood box, within a cardboard box, sitting on another aunt’s credenza. How do I know this? Because when I stopped by the day before Easter alive aunt asked me if I wanted to see dead aunt… My husband, smart man that he is stayed in the car., but when I returned, I was hysterical, no, not crying, laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t explain to my husband that dead aunt was hangin’ with alive aunt. Then I started to worry, maybe I was like them.

Observation #2: My 80 year old grandmother called to say she was divorcing her 3rd(!) husband because of his drinking and gambling. Did I ask if she was doing OK? No., I asked if she was joking with me. Then I asked where she was going to live… she replied with alive aunt. Then, because I was now thinking she was crazy I had to ask if alive aunt knew this. After I got off the phone I was hysterical, no, not crying, laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn’t speak. Then I called my Mom to ask if she knew that her mother was getting a divorce. She laughed. See what I’m getting at? It’s hereditary. (Side note: the grandparents have since reconciled.)

Observation #3: I think all of my neighbors’ kids are weird. They freak me out. My mom has always thought her neighbors’ kids are crazy, too.

Observation #4: My cousin, alive aunt’s daughter, asked me if I wanted some of dead aunt’s ashes. I had to ask if she was serious. She said I could put some ashes in a locket so a little piece of dead aunt would always be with me. Then I said what if I get her ass? My cousin didn’t see the humor. I think she’s crazy! My aunt wanted to be spread out in the desert, she didn’t ask for each of us to take ashes and put them in lockets… but maybe I’m the crazy one because all I could think about was getting the piece I didn’t really want.

Observation #5: An aunt on the other side of the family horded mass amounts of household cleaners. After my grandfather passed away, my parents had to clean out his house. My aunt had been living with him for a few years. They found closets full of household cleaners. But the house was not clean, far from it. We were aghast at her craziness. My parents asked if I wanted some of the bottles of new cleaners, I took a lot of them and was giddy with excitement. That was 7 years ago. I still have some of those bottles. I have a housekeeper, she uses her own products. I’m hording household cleaners.

Observation #6: My grandma loves to hear bad news. She relishes it. Then she spreads the news like wildfire. It keeps her breathing. This is the same grandma who was divorcing her husband…. Remember what I did after she told me? I immediately called my mom to spread the news.

I live fairly far from my family and miss my parents everyday. But I REALLY had hoped the distance would sever the crazy strings. But now I know it won’t, the dysfunctionalness is in my blood. My children will be crazy, too. Luckily, I’m just normal enough to blame my husband’s genes…


At 8:55 PM, Anonymous CarrieB said...

Oh my God....Kathy, I'm laughing so hard and I can't see through my tears to type. I'm sorry. I love you AND your family and I had no idea.......

I hope I don't bust up hysterically the next time I see "alive aunt".

PS: I blame it all on my husband's side too;)

At 5:51 AM, Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Sounds to me like you just have a great sense of humor! I have some crazy-acting family members and trust me, I'm not laughing. ;)

At 4:43 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

This had me laughing so hard I'm in tears! Are we related?

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'm loving yours!

At 3:34 PM, Blogger Mom101 said...

Observation #7: You have one hell of a memoir in the works, lady. Go write it.

Thanks for the comment over at my blog today and for pointing the way back here. It's nice to leave smiling.

At 7:57 AM, Blogger suburban mom said...

oh my god, your family sounds hilarious. That is too funny.

And I didn't know you were so close - where are you? you should check out Tootsies in rockridge, it was really cute. I'm going to take a picture this week :)

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Queen Haline said...

I love this post. I've had similar observations about myself... but I've never collected them before. You've inspired me.

And thanks for stopping by Mahlers on Safari. Karibu Sana... you are welcome any time.


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